Last night was a dark one–and I’m not just talking about the lack of moonlight. When Jake got home, he did his best to try and fix the pain. After realizing that wasn’t what I needed, he let me cry and prayed with me. Before he got home though, I surrendered my own selfishness and let God do some healing in me and my children.
They were nearly asleep by the time I got to them, but they let me pick them up and bring them into my room so we could cuddle. I asked for forgiveness and as much as it hurt to admit my selfishness and sin, they ended up comforting ME.
I spent a troubled night, achy and sleepless, begging God for protection over my children’s hearts and for the ability to forgive myself for the pain I caused them. I find it difficult to accept God’s forgiveness when I’m struggling to let go of my own regret and blame.
This morning, His mercies were new just as He promised. It was a good thing too, because my son woke up looking like the victim in a horror movie. His nose had bled through the night, soaking his bed and covering him from head to foot in gore. I would have taken a picture, but figured it wasn’t something I wanted to relive again, let alone have him find it someday.
Bella woke up with energy and smiles, getting herself ready for school without too much prompting from me. She asked me if we could pray that today would be a good day for all of us. I didn’t tell her that I’d been desperately praying all morning long. Instead, I hugged her and prayed some more while Luke soaked in the tub and I tried to figure out how to juggle getting her to school on time without leaving my son at home.
Thankfully, Jake answered my calls and was able to pick her up for me. So I focused on just getting her ready, washing Luke up, and feeding my own tender stomach. Through it all, God held me, giving me patience and a quiet spirit. It’s amazing–His unending grace in our times of need. He didn’t take away the struggles this morning, but He held me through them and gave me the ability to respond with calm and love.
I thought I was done weeping last night, but it seems the tears are still flowing this morning. They have more of a healing feel to them though.
So this might seem raw and too real to some. That’s okay. If I can’t be honest and real in such a public setting, then I have no business trying to relate to others on this journey. I’m not perfect, but I am loved by an All Mighty God and if nothing else comes of my musings, I want THAT to be understood.