Posted in child, discipline, Family, grief, hypocrisy, Pain, soul surgery

I screwed up.

Royally.

Not just a little bit. Not just a quick mistake that I can fix with a smile and a hug.

At this point, I don’t even know if I’m sorry will cut it.

I just wounded my children’s hearts with angry words and a raised voice. I dealt with their disobedience with not a shred of self-control or love on my part.

I hate that this part of me even exists. The worst of it is that at this point, I don’t even want to apologize.

I’m tired of apologizing. I’m tired of losing it with them and having to make it right. I’m the parent–the adult. I should be the grown up one, the mature one who doesn’t need to make things right because I am making the right choice in the first place.

I promised myself when I got married and started a family with my husband, that I would not EVER be like my father. Quick-tempered and prone to angry outbursts with very little restraint or self-control. I promised I would approach my children with love and patience, with a forgiving heart and would never raise hand or voice against them in anger. I promised they would never see that ugly side of myself that I’d inherited from a lifetime of living with an angry man.

Now,  after tonight and a broken promise–again–I cannot even blame my father for my actions. It was all me. My ugliness. My anger. My unforgiving heart.

My choice.

How do I make that right? Does sorry even work when I’ve bruised their hearts and shown them so much ugliness? When I’ve given them every reason to make this same choice someday with their own children?

Oh God, please. I promised. I’ve even thought at times that I put that ugliness behind me with your help. Why let my kids suffer because of MY sin? My anger?

I’m exhausted. I’m sick. I feel alone and lost and foggy. I know a lot of it is pregnancy stuff wreaking havoc on my body, but I cannot excuse the hurt I caused two precious–and broken–little hearts.

How can I say that I love them? How can I proudly bear the name of mother when nothing I did tonight was with a mother’s heart? I failed whatever test You put in front of me and there was nothing magnificent or good about it. It’s not something I’ll forget and move on from. Every time I see their eyes, I’ll know. I stole a little bit of their precious innocence with my harsh words and actions tonight and I’m afraid it won’t be the last time.

They might be young enough to forget most of the details of this night. I won’t. And something will stick in their spirits, a little extra fear, a timidity that was not there before.

It’s all well and good for me to read parenting books and go through the nightly routine of a Bible story and prayer. I can DO all the right things to learn how to be a parent.

Tonight tells me I’m not learning a whole lot of anything.

My husband and I both prayed for us to make it through this pregnancy whole and drawn closer as a family. That God would give grace to us and peace in the home in spite of my weaknesses and limitations.

Sometimes, I wonder why I even thought bringing three children in to the world was a good idea. Or rather, I wonder why I would ever want any child to endure me as a mother.

And we can go through the whole, “kids are forgiving and resilient” and “they’ll survive and be stronger for our weaknesses and failings.”

I can’t tell myself that when my daughter is sobbing her heart out and my son is crying alone in his room while I try to find the courage to walk over to them and begin the process of healing.

I’m not even sure I’ll heal from this pain. Why should I expect them to?

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9 thoughts on “

  1. Sarah, the only thing you can really do, is ask forgiveness, whether you feel like doing it, or whether you feel forgiven. Write it on your mirror in the bathroom and on the fridge. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.” Period. The devil would like nothing better than to have you so beat up with actual righteous anger at your actions that you stay wounded and hurt and feeling worthless…for as long as possible. You’re ineffective that way. So, if he can’t trip you up with what a sinner you are, because you are, then he’ll convince you, you can’t be forgiven. And there’s the rub. Christ didn’t die for your sins (and all of my stinkin’ sins/many shortcomings) and then you have to wallow in it and suffer for a long time until you feel like you’ve been crucified enough to deserve penance. Believe God, with every fiber of your resistant heart, that He means what He says. He loves you, girlfriend. His mercies are new every morning. Children are a heritage of the Lord. And bless God for helping you realize, we have to be careful about swearing that we’ll never, ever be like someone else. Every single sinful one of us is only an instant away from being our worst selves. Only by God’s grace are we not as wicked as we could be. Have grace for everyone, and yourself. I love you!

  2. Hi Sarah, Seek God on what is causing the outbursts and He will be faithful to heal whatever old past wounds are there that cause it to happen. We just have to be quiet before Him, seek Him on what is causing it and he makes it real to us in a way that we can understand. Seek forgiveness and ask for His healing, because He desires to set the captives free. He wants you to walk in truth, love and freedom and you have some old hurt, lie or burden you are carrying around that is not of God. He will be faithful to remove it. Love you,Rita

    1. I spent some time with the kids last night, just cuddling and crying and praying with them. I do get really hard on myself after an outburst, but it’s amazing how forgiving and tender my children are. They were comforting ME last night. 🙂

      Seeking forgiveness from God seems to be hardest when I struggle to forgive myself. However, His mercies are new every morning. Thank God for that. 🙂

  3. I think my past comment got posted before I finished but the final thought to my comment was, no one is perfect, and as much as you want to blame yourself for how you reacted tonight, you can’t, you must realize that you’re only human, you’re kids are going to love you no matter what just like Jesus does. You’re a wonderful mom and God blessed you with motherhood because he knew you could do it! You’re a rock star, know that!! God knows it, otherwise he wouldn’t have placed you in this place in your life. God gives you in life what he knows you can handle and how much of it to lay in your path. 🙂 love you!

  4. Hi Sweetie! I agree with what these ladies are saying. I would add one thing. You are a first born, a leader, determined and hard working. I’ve seen it in you many times. I see it in my oldest daughter. So I would ask, are you trying to accomplish too much? Is your “to do” list too long for a very pregnant mommy with 2 little ones? Are your expectations of yourself too high for your physical limitations right now? I remember thinking when my kids were little, “If I get ONE thing done today, it will be a good day!” You’ve heard the concept of seasons of life I’m sure. You are in a season of working very hard just to get the laundry done, the groceries bought, the toilet cleaned… When I was there, I told myself, “this is what I’m here for right now”. And you are still bringing God glory in all this! 1 Cor 10:31 “So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do , do all to the glory of God”. So I encourage you to sit with your kids when you’re tired and watch Veggie Tales, use paper plates more, don’t look at the dirty floor :o) Praying for you!! Love you!! Jill

    1. I’m not feeling like I’m accomplishing too much, (most of the time I feel like it’s too little) but I do feel like I expect more from myself than I can give right now. I don’t like saying, “I can’t” because God is the God of the impossible. Then again, in that scenario, I still can’t. It’s God working through me on HIS strength. I forget that sometimes and in weak, vulnerable moments, I lash out like a wounded animal. I have to stop expecting this season of life to be one of accomplishment and allow it to be one of rest. The veggie tales and the dirty floor are checked off, but I should definitely use paper plates! 🙂

      Love you and thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement. I am thankful for forgiving children and new mercies every morning. 🙂

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